Tut

Mom called Friday with bad news about my gorgeous cat, Tut. We got him when I was 8. I was supposed to just get Sheba, my crazy Siamese (who died when I was 12 after she ate all the strings from a roast).When we went to get Sheba as a tiny kitten, we could hear Tut purring from across the room. Mom instantly knew we had to take him home.

He was a mighty hunter from the beginning. Once, he jumped to catch a fly and landed in the toilet. He was also adventurous. We would come into the kitchen in the morning, and his tiny kitten self was way up on top of the refrigerator. We couldn't quite figure out how he got up there. During a sleepover when I was 13, my friends and I were amused to discover he loved Doritos: he was dragging them out of a bowl on my dresser. And he once caught a bat! I called him my puma, because he was so grand. He would stretch out on my torso. His head would be nestled into my neck. His front legs would be on my chest, his back legs on my hips, and his tail would reach down to my knees. My puma.

He had a stroke, and Mom had to have him put to sleep. She told me earlier this month that his health had declined. It was hard on her to have to do it, but I appreciate it. Poor Mom. She's had to make that decision so many times in my life. It's sad to think I'll never cuddle with him again. It was one of my favorite things about visiting home. I dreamt that I was there when he died, that the whole family, and all the family friends who loved him were there. I was happy to be there for him at the end and woke up crying.

Flu Bug

It's been two weeks since I posted. The Monday and Tuesday after my last post, my students had their big statewide math exam and a nasty stomach flu was going around. Tuesday after the exam, by kids were all stressed out, so I did a readaloud from Freak the Mighty (an excellent book) and started showing the movie version, The Mighty (which is also excellent). I planned to compare them with a Venn Diagram after. The kids were really getting into it. It's a great story of two boys who become friends, and one starts the movie as a struggling reader, but ends it as a writer. Watching my students get so involved, I was smiling. Then I felt like I was going to cry all of a sudden. I wondered what was wrong with me.

Some of you who know me well recognize the foreshadowing."Hmm...Erin mentioned a stomach flu, and she always gets rather emotional when she's sick..."

Yep. I was violently ill, so I had to yell for someone to watch my room, then run to the bathroom. They sent me home shaking and near tears. I had to walk eight blocks to the subway, then ride the train home, hoping the whole time that I wouldn't be ill again. I called the doctor for an appointment. They told me not to come in, but gave me great advice on how to get better. The next day I felt fine, so I went back to work and finished out the week.

Last week was pretty uneventful. I was swamped with work and grad school, and I was exhausted. Friday after work I went to the doctor because I thought I was sick again. They said it was probably more like "sick still," as it can take weeks to fully recover from the recent stomach flu strain. She also said that my recent weightloss seemed okay: at 127 lbs. I'm still in the healthy range and I have a healthy diet. If I inexplicably lose more, I can meet with the Fordham nutritionist, though. She said to rest up this weekend, so I did. I stayed in all weekend, and now I'm more than a little stircrazy. Wish me luck with the busy week ahead.

Gimme a break, gimme a break...

So, it turns out that our real breakup is going almost as well as the semi-breakup went. On Wednesday, Mr. B and I squabbled about how I dismissed my students from class (and I firmly told him to chill out so we could discuss it rationally. He did and we did). Other than that everything has been amiable. Yay!

It's been a busy week with tons of homework from grad school, and my weekend was so boring and solitary. I couldn't get together with my best friends. Lex was off dating. Madrid was celebrating her recent engagement and making wedding plans. Carolina was in Cape Cod for a conference. Laura's boyfriend's dad died of cancer, and (of course) she was very upset.

The negative thing about being a nurturer and independent is that your friends don't always feel the need to nurture you. And this is terrible and selfish, but a death in the family definitely trumps a breakup, so I don't expect to be comforted any time soon. Laura will need it more, and I'll comfort her gladly.

Actually, my out-of-town friends have been stepping up in the comforting-Erin department with calls and online messages. Mom's also been checking in, though she never brings up why. I love you, too, Mom!

And now I have to get ready to go back to work tomorrow where I will face a room full of ghetto tweens. But I'm going to make it...right? Right. Sure. Six and a half months down, just three and a half months to go until summer vacation and, if all goes well, college graduation. If an independent study a few other Fellows and I need gets cleared, I'll be done with my degree by the end of June and officially graduate in August. I might even get to take part in the May graduation ceremony. For now it's all up in the air. Wish me luck.

Break it up, part II

Monday, I was nervous about seeing Mr. B post-breakup, but it went okay. Tuesday he came to my classroom to chat, and the rest of the week he was really friendly.

Wow, I thought to myself, This breakup is going really well!

Then on Friday he called me, and I was so happy to get the call. You see, a part of me hoped he was calling to apologize and get back together. Well, I was half right.

"You seemed really distant all week...like you didn't want to see or talk to me," he said.

"Well, things were awkward, especially on Monday, but that's normal, right?" I replied.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you used the words 'time,' and 'space' and said I could see other people."

"I wanted to think things through and I didn't want you to feel like you had to wait around for me, but I still want to see you. I think this time apart was really good for us. How do you feel about it?"

"Well, I definitely think it's good things didn't go on the way they were with us fighting..."

"Exactly!"

"But...but I'm still stuck on you not trusting me," I said. (During the big fight we had, he implied I lied to him about something. For the record, I was telling the truth.) He told me, again, how he trusts me not to hurt him, but that doesn't mean he has to believe everything I say. He claimed it was petty of me be so focused on that.

"If you want to throw away something that could be good over something so petty, fine," he fumed.

"I can't be with someone who doesn't believe me," I said.

"I'm not asking you to be with me."

"Well, exactly," I replied, "So I hope we can get along like we did this week."

"No, I just meant...why can't we just go out and spend time together without all this committment stuff?"

"What committment stuff? I don't care about committment. Let me put it this way: I can't date someone who doesn't believe me."

"Fine," he responded tersely, "Call me if you change your mind." Say what! That almost made me laugh, the nerve of it.

"Oh," I replied brightly, "I'll do that." But don't hold your breath, I thought.